Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Does this make my bum look big?

Science to the rescue!

In one of the more humorous stories on tap for the New Year, a team of scientists will be testing whether or not certain clothing really does make a person’s bum look big. Seriously!

IT is one of the greatest female dilemmas and has led generations of women to ask: "Does my bum look big in this?"

Now, a team of researchers from Edinburgh's Heriot-Watt University are launching what is believed to be the world's first scientific study to answer the often asked question of how clothing can affect the appearance of the female rear.

The team, from the university's School of Textiles and Design, based in Galashiels, believe the study could have major implications for retailers.

Female volunteers wearing hundreds of different types of clothing will have their behinds photographed for the research.

Participants will then be asked to look at the pictures to assess how big or small each model's backside appears. The study will examine how various designs, colors, patterns and fabric types affect perception of bottom size.

Tax dollars hard at work! But, on the other hand…it does have practical implications for world peace!

However, the scientists would probably offer more help for married relationships if they also studied this issue: “How should husbands answer the question, ‘Does my bum really look big in this?’” Now that is a question worth pondering!


And since there are no scientific studies forthcoming, I think I’ll start my own study. Here. On this blog. In this post!

I am going to boldly go where no one has gone before, and offer beleaguered husbands some answers to “the question,” when it comes. Here, in no particular order, are my best attempts to help. [Caveat: Not responsible for lawsuits or bodily injury which may occur. Use at your own risk!] It could be that these answers will impress her, and help build marital dialogue and relational growth, lol. How should one answer? Some "scientific," sensitive answers as follows, for your benefit and consideration:

  • No honey, it doesn’t make your bum look big…it just reflects your magnanimous glory for the world to appreciate!
  • No honey, it doesn’t make your bum look big…it’s just that the sparse threads of that garment do not begin to approach the fullness of your impressive expanse!
  • Um, [cough, sputter]…gee, honey, now that you mention it, it does make your perfect shape seem a bit, ah, um, obtrusive, shall we say?
  • Um…aww, baby, I always did like your conspicuous derriere, and this just makes it all the more conspicuous!
  • Aww, baby, you know I’ve never been much on fashion, and this is a true fashion statement which I am not qualified to judge: With your high-fashion-eye, what do you think?
  • Oh, no honey, it’s not that it makes your bum look big…it’s just for a second there I thought I was looking at your Aunt Glinda [or, fill in appropriate relation, lol].
  • Drum roll…finally, “No baby, it doesn’t make your bum look big…it’s just…why didn’t you tell me we were expecting twins?”

Ladies, please vote as to which response is MLTGMK – “most likely to get me killed,” lol! Remember, this is serious scientific analysis so all of your replies will help resolve the dilemma!

And, of course, this is all intended to generate relation-building dialogue and wholesome discourse! And, with the proper answer used in the precise manner, can easily build the self-esteem of the wife [and perhaps save the life of the husband, lol].

As ever, your altruistic and sensitive blogster,



Lil Gen'ral said...

As a sister in law of the author of this blog, who possesses her own delightfully curved derriere, it is my honor to kill him myself for each and every comment he supplied! He obviously has personal issues with generous cabooses! Some might say, he may even posses one!! However, if I must come down on one choice that will definitely get one killed, the twins one takes the cake! Much love to you, hope you have good insurance, and don't forget to look over your shoulder. Take care to keep watch over your own booty!

Valerie said...

I would say the one that would get you a hand mark on the cheek is the one about "magnanimous glory" Of course if I were you, I wouldnt try any of them. lol.

Loy Mershimer said...

lol! Thank you, Valerie and lil gen'ral! :-) Your feminine voices are much appreciated and adding great wisdom to our scientific study. Lil Gen'ral, I'll let Layne speak to the "delightfully curved derriere" part of your post, and just do my part by upping my insurance premium, lol.

So far we have one vote for "twins" and one vote for "magnanimous glory!"

Other ladies feel free to comment...if you are a bit shy about it all, just use the "Anonymous" posting!! You are contributing greatly to world peace, you know... Do it for the children, do it for peace...and can I say it -- do it for posterity?



Anonymous said...

I am "Hippie". I do not like your blog even though it does come a little close to home. Have a better day tomorrow. Get a life !

Mrs. Hippie

Loy Mershimer said...

Mrs. Hippie,

Do you not like the entire blog or just this post? If this post, I'm sorry if I offended really all is tongue-in-cheek humor!

However, if the entire blog offends you...why, then I cannot apologize, much as I would like.

As to getting a life, lol. Ok. Nice suggestion...I'll try!


Maria said...

As I sit and ponder how to best respond to this blog I'm struck with several options.
Number 1...(and Loy since you handed me this opportunity on a silver platter I have no other choice but to say...) Do any of us still wonder why Loy is single??? I mean even if he did ever ask a girl out it wouldn't get past the first date with a mind set like this!

Number 2: I do not know why you think this is up and coming "research". It has been known for quite some time that people's perceptions of size are affected by patterns, color, etc. Any woman (and most men) out there can tell you that black is a slimming color and that horizontal stripes will make anything (bum's included) look larger. And, that vertical stripes can have the opposite affect. So, the only difference in this so called study is that these so called researchers are trying to call it science. As a person working in the science world I take offense to this. These researchers are going on nothing but people's perceptions..otherewise known as opinions..and opinions hold no scientific basis. Science is objective and this topic is subjective. End of story.

Number 3: Just so I don't disappoint you Loy I will cast my vote for the sparse thread comment. However, any other man would simple enjoy the sparse threads and consider himself lucky.

Number 4: Finally, Loy I hope your bum starts to look big so I can sit on mine and laugh at yours!

The Lazy Philosopher said...

I'm only here to laugh so I'll refrain from voting. It appears that you must have had a dull day Loy, and so thought that you needed to add a little adventure to your life. This should certainly do the trick. :)
Happy New Year! (A few days late.)

Loy Mershimer said...

Hey, no fair, Ms. Lazy Philosophy!

We need all possible feminine voices participating in this survey. Save the world, save the whales, save the children...just vote in my survey! grin.

Add to the adventure! :-)

And Maria...hey, hey!

How can you say this kind of post would keep women away from me?

Hmmm...I'm a bit confused, lol. [Insert best confused/innocent look here :-)] I'd think that women would be really impressed with my great sensitivity and scientific awareness! Not to mention my eye for fashion and sense of humor!


I mean, imagine an attuned man, a secure man, a man who could see humor in the various threads that adorn a protuberant posterior appendage! And then, imagine this man would make her smile – nice laughter! – when "the question" is asked...making her feel good about her look in a backhanded way! Why, wouldn't this alone make me hot in female eyes?

[Insert quizzical and chagrined look here, lol.]

Hmm...I may have to re-evaluate female nature! :-) Otherwise this could turn into sudden, "Hey, what happened to Loy?" scenario!

I can see it now: the feminine readers of this blog meet in secret, make a plan...and suddenly, without warning, Loy disappears. :-)

All because he only wanted to offer a simple, backhanded compliment to the female race, lol.

Oh well, some sacrifices have to be made!

After all, it's for the good of the planet!



Anonymous said...

Okay I just had to comment on this...To a response from what Maria said,
Loy is single because he has the grace of God on his side! I applaud him for this...afterall, the Bible states that it is better for a man to remain as he is so he can focus on pleasing God.
As to the other "comments" about the big butt thing, well personally, I think maybe us women should just wear more modest clothing so we won't have that problem.
God Bless!

Loy Mershimer said...

Welcome, Anonymous!

Thank you for seeing grace in it all -- which, all humor aside, is a powerful reality. And, thinking of it, perhaps I shouldn't say, "humor aside," because I've learned that God's grace has a great sense of humor.

Sometimes I think our Lord is laughing with joy when He plans our lives and lovingly arranges the ironic little details -- the things that take us by surprise and cause us to blink, and think. lol. The things that maybe cause us to go back and eat our words, the things that turn our lives and shape us into something higher than natural self -- the great tension between natural self and true self played out in the divine call, making us better and truer. But a lot of irony, and lots of humor in the mix, lol.

Point: He has an awesome sense of humor. To know Him is to laugh with Him, to dance in joy...

And as to me being single by grace, I just have to laugh and say that sometimes grace takes a form and timing we never imagined...yet it is grace for all that!

And the plan is good, and higher, than our own thoughts or plans. There are divine levels to the dream, after all!

And calling more than human planning. Just ask Abraham and Sarah, lol.

And, a p.s. which Maria would probably speak to: Yes, there is grace in my being single, but there's probably a bit of Loy in there too, lol.

But I confess that grace is at work in even my faulty "Loyness," lol. And to the result of true intended Loy, let's pray!

:-) grin.

Good stuff. All from that BUM post, lol.