Cow humor: How many seconds before you get this joke?

Like they told me, Son, you betta' keep yer day job! Er... maybe not, lol. :-)

A country parable of brotherly love

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

lol!

Smile! :-)

Dinosaur oops!

Caption: The real reason why the dinosaurs went extinct!

Commentary: Your day is not as bad as you think it is! The Ark hasn't sailed without you, whatever else has gone on today... so celebrate: you are not too late, your destiny is right on time, your call is waiting! :-)

Enjoy!

Cracker gospel

A Florida Cracker was stopped by a game warden because he had two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a local lake, well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked him, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Nah, sir', replied the Cracker. 'I ain't got one a’ them thyar licenses. I don’ nayed a license, cause these hyar are my pet fiyush.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Pet fiyush! Evr’y night, ah’ take these hyar fiyush down to mah’ lake and jus’ let 'em swiyum aroun' for awhile. Then, when ah’ whistle, they jump ryaht back into these hyar coolahs an' I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The Cracker looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's da Gospel truth, Mr. Gov’mint Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The Cracker poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Wayell, what?', says the Cracker.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who bayck?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fiyush?' replied the Cracker.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but how often do you hear of someone retiring and moving north?

:-)

A mystery comic contest

Hello friends. Here's an old Far Side comic that I saw yesterday... when I first saw it, it stumped me. Gary Larsen, creator of Far Side, often tossed in esoteric humor. He'd made his readers work for some comics, really making people think to get that "aha!"

Well, this one is FAR OUT on the Far Side, lol. I think I have it now, but I'm putting it out there to see who can come up w. the best explanation of this comic: here it is just as originally printed, no caption or explanatory notes.

I've enabled comments for this post. Fire away!

If someone can beat my explanation, I'll send them 20 dollars in dollar coins. Note: I've emailed my explanation to myself, so it is timestamped on email, for verification.

Enjoy! :-)

Jesus laughing with Mary in the carpenter shop

Jesus had the best sense of humor ever: it was perfect, loving life, seeing irony without cynicism, bringing others into the fair dance of Life.

If you know Him, you just have to love Him. If you don't know Him, what better time of year to make His acquaintance? He's smiling and laughing, beckoning you onward and home!

Selah.

The danger of garter snakes

A garter snake warning!

Newsflash: Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis ) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen accidentally started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

The laughing Jesus

I feel as if I've arrived in the world: I'm now taking pictures of Jesus! :-) I snapped this photo from a painting, while at a retreat. It's a great representation of Jesus -- this is the kind of Jesus that children loved: the irresistible smile and humor, pure laughter from the heart! He probably just cracked a perfect joke, right before the artist caught this canvas. :-) Stop for a moment, and visualize the smile of Jesus, the very smile of God upon you. You are His child, and He is for you!

Hear this word, and hope:

The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing! [Zeph. 3:17]

Alleluia!

Selah.

Hurry! Let me drink, let me drink!

A friend shared this 1919 pre-prohibition poster with me...

All I can say is, "Save me, Lady Liquor, save me!"

grin. Enjoy!

:-)

Funny t-shirt for the day

Spotted in Skip's Barbecue at lunch, a local joint that features awesome smoked beef and ribs! :-)

A really big hole!

A story from back in the day: Jed and Ira Clampett were out hunting… they struck out across the hills, discovering new territory, and sure enough, they came up to a big ravine, a huge hole in the ground.

They carefully approach it, in amazement.

Jed says, “Wow, thet thar’s some big hoal, Ira! I cain’t evern sah the bottum… wand’er how deep ‘tis?”

Ira says, “Beets me, Jed! Leyt’s thraw sumethin’ down thar an’ leesten and sea how lang h’it taykes ter hit bottum.”

Jed says, “Thayt’s a raht fin’ idear, Ira! Bayck thar awhays is an ohld transmissin’ – giyve me a hand and weel thraw h’it in an’ jest sea…”

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They’re standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

Well, they just stand there looking at each other, befuddled: they look at one another, look in the hole, look at one another, look in the hole, trying to figure out what it was all about… soon an old farmer walks up. “Say thar,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn't happen to see my goat ‘round here anywhere, did ya?”

Jed answers, “Wal now, hain’t that the funneyest thang you should ast. We was jest stannin’ hyar a minnit ago an’ a goat comes runnin’ h’out theese hyar bushes goin’ ‘bout a hunert miyles an hower… and dangdest thang… h’it jumped haid first h’into theese hyar hole!”

And the old farmer said, “Now boys, that's just impossible! I had him a’chained to an old transmission!”

grin. :-)

Save the planet, lose toilet paper!

The real cause of global warming

For those of you who really care about saving the planet, singer Sheryl Crow has come up with an innovative solution. In weekend comments on her blog, one of her favorite ideas for fighting global warming is the ‘one square per sitting rule’ – trips to the toilet should only take one square of TP, on average! In her words,

I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Now, I don’t mind helping the planet, but I just need more info: Sheryl, could you describe those ‘pesky occasions’ where 2 or 3 might be allowed? I really wouldn’t want to overdo it – so please, help me with more information!

lol! More comments here, and a jingle here, lol.

If you care, lose the deodorant too!

In a case of life imitating art, Sheryl is behind the times. A while ago a friend wrote me in the midst of an existential meltdown. He simply asked, “Help me! Should I use deodorant?”

Here is my reply:

I can see why that question, 'Is it ok if I wear deodorant' should cause such existential angst and theological conundrum.

After all, to wear deodorant is to stop the 'natural flow' of things. When one stops the natural flow, he impinges nature. When one impinges nature he adversely affects the environment. When one adversely affects the environment, he risks the planet.

So, it's really an issue of nature and environment!! In our pure ecosystem balanced on such a fine line of natural flow, one cannot wear deodorant without upsetting the cosmic balance!

So, my friend, the only logical conclusion, the only environmentally sensitive answer is to lose the speed stick and SAVE THE PLANET!!!

After all, what are a few offended olfactory senses of fellow humans compared to the health of the planet??

If you really care about the universe, STOP USING DEODORANT NOW! Mother Nature will love you, even though humans may hate you! But some sacrifices have to be made for the good of the universe, lol!

So... there you have it. Save the whales, save the dolphins, save the children, save the future... just lose the deodorant!!

Now, for all you good planet people out there – will you be known by your fruits? er… by your odiferous societal contributions?

Give up the deodorant, give up the TP, and come sail away with me!

:-)