Definition for the day: sar·chasm

Sar·chasm

sar·chasm ('sär-"ka-z&m):(n.) The abyss between the creator of witticisms and the intended recipient who does not find the humor in it.

:-) too good, lol.

And remember: the ultimate compliment for a pun is a groan!

Enjoy, lol.

Shocking boating accident -- seconds before death!

Edit

The real Kentucky Derby!

Unbelievable, lol. Some drunks decide to race across a line of porta-potties on the infield of the Churchill Downs -- all while getting pelted with bottles and cans of beer, some full. Too stupid, gotta watch it -- and the porta potties that cave in just happen to be the ones in use, lol.

I guess a person should beware watching the horse races while drinking... one might begin to view a perfectly good line of porta johns like a wannabe race track! :-)

If this doesn't make your day, as in, things aren't as bad as they seem, why, try again! watch it again, lol.

Smile!

The day the rabbi beat the pope!

Pope vs. rabbi smackdown

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.

'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

[cue drumroll and cymbols, lol]

:-)

Dinosaur oops!

Caption: The real reason why the dinosaurs went extinct!

Commentary: Your day is not as bad as you think it is! The Ark hasn't sailed without you, whatever else has gone on today... so celebrate: you are not too late, your destiny is right on time, your call is waiting! :-)

Enjoy!

Cracker gospel

A Florida Cracker was stopped by a game warden because he had two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a local lake, well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked him, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Nah, sir', replied the Cracker. 'I ain't got one a’ them thyar licenses. I don’ nayed a license, cause these hyar are my pet fiyush.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Pet fiyush! Evr’y night, ah’ take these hyar fiyush down to mah’ lake and jus’ let 'em swiyum aroun' for awhile. Then, when ah’ whistle, they jump ryaht back into these hyar coolahs an' I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The Cracker looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's da Gospel truth, Mr. Gov’mint Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The Cracker poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Wayell, what?', says the Cracker.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who bayck?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fiyush?' replied the Cracker.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but how often do you hear of someone retiring and moving north?

:-)

A gifted comic

To all those who struggled with the last Far Side comic I posted, here's one a little easier to understand... maybe not if you're specially gifted, lol. Have a wonderful night! :-)

A mystery comic contest

Hello friends. Here's an old Far Side comic that I saw yesterday... when I first saw it, it stumped me. Gary Larsen, creator of Far Side, often tossed in esoteric humor. He'd made his readers work for some comics, really making people think to get that "aha!"

Well, this one is FAR OUT on the Far Side, lol. I think I have it now, but I'm putting it out there to see who can come up w. the best explanation of this comic: here it is just as originally printed, no caption or explanatory notes.

I've enabled comments for this post. Fire away!

If someone can beat my explanation, I'll send them 20 dollars in dollar coins. Note: I've emailed my explanation to myself, so it is timestamped on email, for verification.

Enjoy! :-)

Quote for the lazy day

Not lazy, just choice impaired

Overheard at lunch today:

I don't take it personally when people call me lazy, because in my heart I know I'm not lazy. I just choose not to work.

True quote. Exact, lol.

Life stranger than fiction, right?

Enjoy!

When SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING grow up

lol. Enjoy! This is my first glimpse of this sign, kudos to Lane for his quick thinking and camera work. Spread the joy, and be careful driving! After all, there are slow children playing and slow seniors, too! :-)

Life in a fishbowl

Ah! What a remarkable picture, on several levels!

Here's one takeaway: Life in a fishbowl swims a fine line between wonder and dinner.

Can I get a witness? :-)

Cajun gospel

DA END BE NEAR!!

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near

Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now

Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

grin.

lol. drum roll, please!

Have a good night, and smile! :-)

Hazmat team called in for rotten fridge cleaning

Beware the fridge fumes!

Truth is stranger than fiction, sometimes. Life is just loaded with humor! Sometimes you just have to laugh at the irony. In the latest, an office worker sends seven co-workers to the hospital with rotten food fumes:

SAN JOSE, Calif. – An office worker cleaning a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made many others ill. Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose on Tuesday, after the flagrant fumes prompted someone to call 911. A hazmat team was called in.

What they found was an unplugged refrigerator that had been crammed with moldy food.

Authorities said an enterprising office worker had decided to clean it out, placing the food in a conference room while using two cleaning chemicals to scrub down the mess. The mixture of old lunches and disinfectant caused 28 people to need treatment for vomiting and nausea.

Authorities said the worker who cleaned the fridge didn't need treatment — she can't smell because of allergies.

In other news, an Amish driver was fined for having beer in the buggy. Defense lawyers say he can't be held liable because his girlfriend was really driving him buggy...

drumroll. lol. All night, folks! And who says life isn't humorous?

:-)

Funny sayings from today

Ok, two great lines today, one on a bumper sticker:

"There's plenty of room for all of God's creatures...

...right next to the mashed potatoes!"

And, drum roll...

"You look like I need a drink!"

Nice, huh? lol!

Smile!

The danger of garter snakes

A garter snake warning!

Newsflash: Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis ) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen accidentally started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

All you need to start an asylum

Quote for the day:

“All you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right kind of people.”

–Eugene Pallette, “My Man Godfrey” (1936)

lol, nice!

And it's the quality, not the quantity, remember! Case in point: This room is empty except for me, and it's a pretty good start already! :-)

grin!

A rock star pastor

Ladies and gentlemen... turn the sound up and hang on for the ride [persist through the boring part], lol. Some pastors will stop at nothing! And my brother Layne, my my! how misguided is he? he gets out of the small town and now he's been tricked into rapping for those big city churches! grin. He does look good in furs and bling, though, lol. And he can sing a bit! I like him better than the original... enjoy!

Subtitles for this post:

• My brother the rap star!
• "Oh, how the mighty have fallen!"
• Southern Bible Churches will stop at nothing!

Please submit your idea for the post title. Top two titles get included in this post and will finish in the money: My brother will buy you the reward with his royalty money, lol.

Top secret research published!

After several years intensive study, very high level classified research, I'm finally ready to publish my findings... perhaps it might help other guys out there who need to understand the finer points of the women they love! :-)

Greatest line of the day

Imagine James Dobson in Birkenstock's & a ponytail

David Kopel looks at BHO and HRC trying to woo gun owners, and riffs on the irony:

Imagine an election race of Pat Robertson versus James Dobson, each of them appearing at organic grocery stores and Starbucks throughout Massachusetts, with each candidate insisting that he alone deserves the vote of gay-marriage advocates. An equally silly spectacle is taking place these days in Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Indiana, West Virginia and Kentucky, as Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama compete for the pro-gun vote.

Read it all, it's rich.

Don't miss the detailing of Obama's seamless anti-gun record compared to his current words -- and this is just one subject! The same disingenuous disconnect exists on so many levels and issues... it's pretty astonishing, the chasm between words and actions, even for a postmodern politician. One Hillary voter put it this way: "Hillary may tell lies but Obama is a living lie."

Interesting. Yo'Bama git yer gun! :-)

Enjoy!

The silent green rape of needy people

Thanks Lisa Benson, for a provocative and prophetic cartoon!