Blog bathos: A postmodern Super Bowl XL

It’s metrosexuals vs. übersexuals!

Those of you who know me know that I don’t shy away from quality trash-talking when playing sports. For better or for worse, I enjoy the give and take of sports banter…the glee of getting inside an opponent’s head, and the joy of ultimate victory, lol.

And for this Super Bowl, I’m taking trash-talking to a new level, kinda by accident! One Pittsburgh guy called Seattle running back Shaun Alexander a “metrosexual.” And I looked again, and sure enough, it was true – and I laughed…and then an even funnier thought struck me: This game between Seattle and Pittsburgh is like metrosexuals vs. übersexuals!

So what is a metro and what is an über?

These are totally postmodern words, so hang on, lol.

A metrosexual is a feminized man who spends as much time in front of the mirror his girlfriend, or more. The word actually means “cosmopolitan sexuality,” and signifies a man who considers himself pretty and acts accordingly…with undefined sexuality.

An übersexual is a throwback man, a man perhaps comfortable with classy styles but not bound by them, a man who knows how to be a gentleman without being feminized. The word actually means “ultimate or best sexuality,” and represents a man who can chop wood, navigate a woodland trail, and yet escort his wife/girl to a formal dinner that evening – with complete class.

How to tell a metro from an übersexual

If you are still confused, here is a handy list for telling the difference:

• Both are passionate, but the über is passionate about causes and principles, while the metro is mostly passionate about himself
• The über spends more time grooming his mind than his hair
• Both treat and respect women as equals, but the über considers other men, not women, his best friends
• The über is more sensual and not at all self-conscious; he doesn't need other people to tell him he's sexy -- nor does he plan his errands around which shop windows offer the best reflection
• The metro gets design tips from the Fab Five, the design gurus for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy; the über gets them from his travels and interest in art and culture
• The über knows the difference between right and wrong and will make the right decision regardless of what others around him may think; the metro knows the difference between toner and exfoliant -- and worries that he's using yesterday's brand.

Marian Salzman, who first spotted the rise of the metrosexual two years ago, says that übersexuals are tired of taking their behavioral and fashion cues from their female counterparts and from men's magazines that boil men down to their basest, most simplistic selves.

"Übersexuals are the most attractive (not just physically), most dynamic, and most compelling men of their generations. They are confident, masculine, stylish, and committed to uncompromising quality in all areas of life."

Still confused?

If so, here are some helpful illustrations:

Übersexual: Bono

Metrosexuals: Kerry, Edwards

Perhaps you'll remember John Kerry, during the last presidential campaign, proudly calling himself a metrosexual. And, you know, for once he was exactly right! The perfect illustration of metro, lol.

And, with that knowledge, it's time to analyze Super Bowl XL!

Predicting the winner with a postmodern calculus

It’s the greatest clash on the biggest stage: Super Bowl XL, the metrosexual Seahawks vs. the übersexual Steelers!

Am I being unfair? Hmmm…break down the individual comparisons:

• Quarterback: Matt “check out my shaved head” Hasselbeck or Ben “Caveman Beard” Roethlisberger?
• Running Back: Shaun “Mr. Metro in tights” Alexander or Jerome “the Bus” Bettis?
• Safety: Jordan “just call me Jordi” Babineaux or Troy “Wild-man” Polamalu?
• Wide Receiver: Joe “My mother calls me Joey” Jurevicius or Hines “Mr. Toughness” Ward?
• Linebacker: Lofa “It’s not Lola!” Tatupu or Joey “Take out the Trash” Porter?
• And finally, coach: Mike “Mr. Latte” Holmgren or Bill “the Chin” Cowher?

LOL! How is it even close?

Cowher and the boys just ooze Steel City masculinity. It’s blue-collar steel mills against trendy coffee shops and fashion shows. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like a good mocha frappuccino now and then, but we’re talking football here!

When it comes to football, the übers win the day. This ain’t no catwalk folks, lol! And so the über Steelers will win the first postmodern super bowl, without question.

Final spread which you can bank on:

Pittsburgh by 13 points.

You read it here first, lol. Just don’t tell anyone how you discovered the winner ahead of time, lol!